Humbled Musings...

lump sat alone in a boggy marsh…

thecox — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 20:23:31 +0000

This last month has been interesting. Without insurance, my last prescription had to stretch to two months, from the prescribed one. halfway thru the first month, I started biting the pill in half, going from 10mg to 4-6(the bite is never a clean break). of course, after a month and a half, I didn’t have too many pills left, so I went to one pill every 3 days. symptoms were intermittent. full on panic attacks never returned, but the racing heartbeat, low level anxiety and aches and pains returned sporadically.

Last Sunday night, I noticed a small lump inside my right teste. Keep in mind that my anxiety manifested in hypochondria-light. A stich in my side from a pulled muscle could be a heart-attack, a tingle in my arm is a stroke, etc. This was one of the symptoms of my depression, so finding a tic-tac sized bump just opens the floodgates. I researched it as best I could online, but the dilemma remained: should I go see a doctor without insurance?

I start my new job on Monday, and hopefully would have full bennies in 30-45 days. But if it was a malignant tumor, could I wait that long. I worried over the decision almost a full day, without telling even my wife, when a couple thoughts hit me. I quickly jotted them down in open office, and made my decision.

had a med checkup with my doc that I had missed, due to my inability to pay for the visit, so I called and scheduled it for asap, which ended up being the coming friday. After that, I told my wife about the bump. At this point, my anxiety had actually ratcheted down, and I was feeling fine. Of course, I had a day to contemplate and come to terms with the situation God had put me in. She didn’t, and it didn’t help that we immidiately went over to my parents to use their laundry facilities. I had decided that we wouldn’t mention this to anyone else until I’d had a chance to consult a trained physician. The silence almost killed her, and made for a miserable evening. Thankfully, we were able to hang out with our good friends last night, and even though the lump wasn’t mentioned, the camraderie was very helpful for her.

Today, I visited the doctor. It was a mixed blessing. My self-provider cost for the visit was actually less than my co-pay under my last insurance plan, and they were kind enough to provide me with 28 days worth of samples of Lexipro, to get me through until the new job kicks in. The downside, the doc checked out my nut and decided it warranted a second look by a specialist. So they’ll call me with a referral, and we’ll see if the Curse of Soundmind continues. Below, I’ll include my immidiate thoughts after deciding to see the Dr. Please forgive the hyperbole, I was in a kind of intense place.

“Last night I found a lump in my testicle. It is the size of a pea, and hard. After doing some internet research, I confirmed that this type of cyst most likely is cancer, and not one of the less scary and non-threatening types. I currently have no health insurance, and am not likely to have it for a month. The mental battle that has raged in my mind for the last 18 hours concerns whether or not to wait until I have coverage from my new job to see a physician or not.

My understanding of the laws covering pre existing conditions, at best any cancer related treatments would not be covered by my new insurance, and at worst I could be denied coverage. My thought process ran that to wait until I had insurance to see a doctor would be the best bet, as the chance I would be denied coverage would be less.

I have already reconciled myself to the fact that if it is cancer, God has put it in my life for a reason(this could change as the severity and circumstance change, I have a very fickle heart). But just now I made the realization that I was not completely trusting the Lord with my circumstance. I was relying on the fallacy of “it will be better when,” which our Pastor Brent spoke about last week at church. I can credit God with allowing me to have the cyst, but not with providing for my care and recovery(should he will it). The fact that I have the cyst, and noticed it, show that He intends to use it in some way, whether to catch my attention or for something greater. But by looking to the idol of “Health Insurance” to be my protector, instead of the Creator of the Universe, I was being stupid and unfaithful. Laws change, companies will alter their insurance offerings, and can go bankrupt or layoff their workforce. But the one who set the stars in their paths will surely protect me.

This does mean that I believe I will not suffer. If it is His will, I could die before the year is out, without getting the chance to even start my new job. But if it is His will, then it is perfect and good, and for my good and the good of my family. I will not look to predetermine his plan, but I would do well to fully surrender myself to it.”

Panic Attack at the Disco…

thecox — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 18:19:21 +0000

I went the local amusement park last week, our whole family took the Friday off and spent the day there. While we had a lot of fun, but I made a discovery that might be able to help people understand what a panic attack is like for me. There is a ride called the Enterprise. You sit in what looks like a reinforced golf cart, you are locked in, and then spun around. You start out horizontal, and the big arm raises you up until you feel like you are swooping straight at the concrete, only to pull up at the last minute.

The point is, as the golf carts began to spin, and the G’s kicked in, I felt a certain deja vu. This was what an anxiety attack feels like. Your chest constricts, and you get a little bit of vertigo. I won’t try and over-dramatize the situation, because I know that there are many people who experience worse attacks than I do. But I do think it’s a starting point for those who have loved ones or friends with depression or anxiety, in order to gain a bit more empathy.

Sometime you feel like a nut…

thecox — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 15:23:22 +0000

sometimes you don’t. Like today, by all rights, I should be feeling no different due to starting back on my meds. According to my Doctor and the internets, it takes up to a week for an SSRI to get your brain back into the correct neurotransmitter diet. But yesterday I had less symptoms than the day before, and I took my med around 5:30. This morning, I experienced none of the symptoms. Physiological effects? Or are my meds actually finally worn out, from last week, and I’m fully detoxed and come down?

Either way, in order to be loving to my wife, I’m back on the meds for a while. Hopefully I’ll have insurance soon, and I can get a visit with my doc.

A day without a Lexapro…

thecox — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 19:58:26 +0000

Last week I ran out of meds. I had one left, so I went a few days w/out(sat-tues) and then took the last 5mg tablet on Wed. It’s now a week later. The symptoms are less than they were before I was on meds last year. I don’t have the panic/anxiety attacks, just the vertigo/fugue state that comes and goes randomly. I actually feel better today than yesterday, less symptoms even though I spent the morning making calls with my boss, who usually sets off the attacks.

Unfortunately, yesterday was not a good day for US. I was a little bipolar, being happy and loving one minute, and then snapping at my wife the next. We went to DQ after supper, and had a nice romantic walk to the pharmacy for a card for her coworker who is leaving to go back to college. Then I guess I snapped at her when she asked me if I could put the clothes into the dryer. No justifications or arguments from me, because I know that one of my areas of weakness is not knowing that I’m off or acting irrational. So I’ll take her word for it, that a situation that normally causes no reaction from me didn’t exactly happen that way this time.

I called Target and got my prescription waiting for me as soon as I’m done with work. I hope that the meds kick in sooner, rather than later, b/c I would like to be able to enjoy the time with my wife this week. Also, my brother is visiting from TX this weekend, and our relationship isn’t the best as it is. I would really hate to miss out on being a part of what God is doing in his life because I was testy or irrational.